But no, seriously, feelings are under the break. They’re bad feels. And maybe good feels too. I don’t really know where this is gonna go. Proooooobably not worth reading.
So this thing is gonna be kind of a post-mortem thought stream of my day (post-mortem being the term that my office uses to discuss how things went after they’re over).
The last two weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion. I worked my ass off with very little rest. I hurt a very close friend something terrible. My grandmother is throwing one last get-together before she gets hospice sorted out. Dad’s torn up about Grandma. My mother is in a very dark place at the moment and is not handling it well at all (it’s a crashing-down-of-hollow-years kind of thing). My closest co-worker/friend (and the first non-family/non-lover person I ever told I was ‘kin) is going to be leaving for greener pastures. Happiness has been right out the window: I’ve just been trying to keep myself level.
The work fuckery is unsatisfactory, but at least semi-reasonable. Shifting project deadlines and needs, and the auction, and the user’s conference all just kinda mixed into one terrible mess of poor sleep and frayed nerves. I’m actually not as unhappy about this as I sound, because while the actual situation sucks, I also know the end result is going to be okay (maybe not worth all the pain, but at least worth something), and that it makes customers happier. I’ll be sure to get a couple of days of vacation at some point before I break, hopefully.
The hurting of the close friend… well, skipping details, I’m a monster and my SO no longer directly fills said title. The reasons are not gonna be explained here, as I’m not a fucking gossip. But I will say that I spent more time than normal in the company bathroom so people wouldn’t have to watch how hard I was fighting back tears this week. Unprompted bouts of crying are a weakness I’d rather not be known for, really.
Grandma is a kickass lady who doesn’t afraid of anything. Ever. She’s slept with a revolver for forever, didn’t take shit from anybody, and had the best advice. She’s had cancer repeatedly for the last couple of years, and one finally showed up that isn’t going away. So, now that the cards are all on the table and the verdict is in… she’s throwing a party. Makes me fucking proud to be in the same bloodline. It’s one of the few social events I’m actually looking forward to, really.
My father loves his mother. Nothing much to say here, but if his reaction when his father (life-long alcoholic abusive drifter) died was anything, the man’s gonna need all the hugs this family can provide. I love my dad an awful lot, too, so this is gonna be hard. It’s not here yet, though, so even though I’m talking about it here, this is more forecast than hurricane.
My mom is getting divorced from her abusive cheating husband, and she’s actually pretty thrilled about that. It’s the fact that she wasted fifteen years on him that’s getting her. And the crippling debt. And the death threats from his friends. He hasn’t dared do anything directly… hopefully because I made it known that if he did, I’d make national news making sure he regretted it. Anyways, she’s on professional mood drugs, meaning either it’s impossible to carry out a conversation with her or she’s having a moment of lucidity. Painful to see her that way, but not a damned thing I can do other than let her cry on my shoulder.
And my friend leaving… it’s the really smart Christian taxes-are-the-devil guy I talk about on here sometimes. He’s technically moving to Nebraska’s biggest city to be with his family, so it’s not like he’s leaving leaving… but he’s my favorite office presence to say the least.
On the other hand, I’ve been able to lean a little harder on some friends and I’m actually doing alright. Surprisingly sober’ish (other than Monday, Monday was bad). Wrote my military friend a letter, which made me feel better (even though it reminded me of how potentially gone he could really be). Other than that, the normal rules and habits and promises are keeping me approximately safe, as always, so it could be much worse.
If you read this whole thing… wow. Thank you and sorry, I guess. <3